Lessons on personal and professional growth can come from unexpected places. For me, some of the most profound insights have come not from books or seminars but from observing the horses in my own backyard. One particular experience with my mustang, Sage, and an older Morgan mare, Mae, taught me valuable lessons about conflict, leadership, and adaptability.
The Battle Between Sage and Mae
When I first brought home Sage, a previously-wild mustang who had been domesticated, I expected some excitement in integrating her into my small herd. However, I wasn’t prepared for the immediate and intense rivalry between her and Mae, a mare I had kept for some time. Mae had a history of food aggression, but through consistency and structure, she had made great strides in learning to manage her behavior. But as soon as Sage arrived, all of Mae’s progress unraveled.
Mae saw Sage as a direct threat. I can only assume she believed this newcomer was going to steal her food, her space, and maybe even her place in the hierarchy. The mustang, in turn, was not one to back down from a challenge. Instead of de-escalating the tension, the two mares clashed daily. Even though they were always separated, they found ways to continue their battle, smashing boards and fences in their determination to dominate each other. Mae even broke through an alley I had built to separate their paddocks to pick a fight. At that point, the fighting wasn’t even about food anymore—they had simply become enemies.
I had worked with many horses who lived in herds when turned out together. I wasn't a stranger to some squabbling or attacks to decide who gets to eat first. But this was different - they weren't fighting over any limited resource and weren't being forced to interact. Horses don't typically seek out this much conflict with each other. Their instinctual need to survive usually encourages them to keep the peace. The anger these two mares shared for each other was unnatural.
I started to worry about Sage’s temperament. Would she always be this combative? Had I taken on more than I could handle? I am very admittedly an amateur rider and Sage was not started under saddle yet - she was supposed to be my fun little project. These questions weighed on me as I failed to find a solution between the two mares.
The Unexpected Shift
It happened to work out that Mae went home to be closer to her owner, and Sage transformed almost overnight. The aggression disappeared.
She was still bossy, but there was no sign of the battle-ready, fence-smashing fighter I had seen before. In her interactions with my larger mare, Jade, and my reserved donkey, Godiva, she showed patience and persistence rather than hostility. Even when Jade challenged her, Sage would respond but never escalate the situation to that level. Instead of ruling through aggression, they have a balance of give and take. They have truly bonded and enjoy each other. Sage is even teaching Jade how to be a better herd member - showing her how to pay attention to the world or think before reacting.
The Lesson: Aggression Breeds Aggression
This experience highlighted something we often overlook in human relationships: aggression brings out aggression. When we feel threatened, whether in the workplace, in friendships, or even within our own families, our instinct is often to fight back. But just like Sage and Mae, we sometimes continue conflicts long after the original issue has passed.
The fight becomes about winning rather than resolving.
In professional environments, how many times have we seen coworkers butt heads over power struggles, egos, or perceived slights? Once aggression enters the equation, it becomes a cycle, with both parties escalating until the relationship is beyond repair. The same applies to personal relationships. If someone meets us with hostility, our instinct is often to mirror it.
But what if we chose to respond differently?
Choosing Another Way
Sage’s story shows that aggression isn’t the only option. When she was faced with a stable, non-threatening environment, she adapted. She learned that she didn’t have to fight for dominance—she could earn her place through patience, persistence, and mutual understanding. [Side note: I was happy to learn that Mae also settled in peacefully with a fresh start in a new environment.]
I’ve been working on applying this lesson in my own life, particularly when it comes to how I share my ideas with others. As an over-thinker, I often get deeply invested in my own perspectives and feel certain that my ideas are the best way. This can sometimes lead to unintentional power struggles, as I push too hard to get others to see things my way.
I’ve been trying to learn from the horses and shift my approach—collaborating more, listening better, and allowing space for other viewpoints. What I’m finding is that this not only reduces conflict but also leads to better cooperation and, ultimately, more joy in my work with others.
We all have that same capacity for aggression. When confronted with conflict, we have a choice: we can meet aggression with aggression, or we can take a step back, assess the situation, and find a better way to interact. Sometimes, the best response to hostility is calmness. Sometimes, the key to getting what you want isn’t force but consistency and kindness.
Applying This to Personal and Professional Life
So, how can we apply this lesson in our own lives? Here are a few key takeaways:
Aggression changes us — Now that I’ve had Sage for a year, I know that first impression doesn't represent her at all. While she has strong opinions, she is actually quite kind and gentle. When confronted with aggression, she turned into a completely different animal. Watch for that in yourself, but also in how others respond to you. It will bring out the worst in both.
Recognize the Root of Conflict – Just like Mae initially reacted out of fear of losing resources, many human conflicts stem from underlying fears or insecurities. Understanding what’s really driving someone’s aggression can help you approach the situation with empathy rather than defensiveness.
Step Out of the Cycle – If you find yourself locked in a battle with someone, take a step back and ask: “Is this fight really necessary?” “Am I just adding to the conflict?” Sometimes, removing yourself from a toxic dynamic (as Mae did when she left) allows for a more peaceful existence.
Lead Through Connection, Not Force – True leadership, whether in the workplace or in personal relationships, doesn’t come from overpowering others. It comes from earning trust and building rapport, just as Sage did with Jade and Godiva.
Be Mindful of Your Own Energy – If aggression invites aggression, then calmness can invite calmness. By consciously choosing to respond to conflict with patience, you set the tone for the interactions around you. Responding with the opposite energy than you are receiving isn't easy to do, so it takes effort and thought.
Conclusion
Nature has a way of teaching us lessons we never expected to learn. Watching Sage’s transformation reminded me that conflict is often situational rather than inherent. We all have the potential for aggression, but we also have the ability to choose a different path. Whether in the barn or at work, the way we handle conflict can define our relationships and our success.
And most of the time, the best way to lead is not through force, but through patience, persistence, and understanding. If Sage was able to start over without resorting to aggression, then maybe we can learn to do the same.