I’ve always been independent, even as a kid. If there was a problem, I’d figure it out. If I didn’t know how to do something, I’d keep trying until I got it right. I rarely asked for help—not because I didn’t have support, but because I didn’t feel like I needed it. My ability to handle things on my own felt like a strength, something to be proud of.
But then I started learning more about horse herds. I watched how they moved together, how they relied on each other for safety, comfort, and even emotional regulation. The more I studied them, the more I started seeing the similarities to our own social needs. And then it hit me—maybe our obsession with independence isn’t actually serving us. Maybe, like a lone horse in a pasture, our self-sufficiency is quietly working against us.
A Lone Horse is a Stressed Horse
Imagine a horse living alone on a beautiful farm. They have a spacious pasture, the best feed money can buy, a clean water trough, and a sturdy shelter. Their physical needs are completely met. By human standards, they should be thriving.
But they aren’t.
They pace the fence line, calling out. They spook more easily. Their muscles stay tight, and they seem restless or anxious. Maybe they even develop behavioral issues—cribbing, weaving, or chewing on the fence. No matter how much food, space, or security they’re given, something is missing.
Connection.
Horses are herd animals. As social beings, just like us, they need companionship. Their entire nervous system is designed for shared safety. In the wild, a horse alone is a horse in danger. There’s no reasoning with them, no way to explain, “Hey, you’re safe! No predators here!” Their body doesn’t care. Their body knows the truth: I am alone, and alone is not safe. Even if they can technically survive, they will never thrive.
So why do we expect any different for ourselves?
The Illusion of Independence
Somewhere along the way, we were taught that independence is the ultimate goal. That strong people don’t need anyone. The idea being that if we work hard enough, build a good life, and take care of ourselves, we are successful. And if we aren’t happy, then we just need to try harder.
We romanticize the idea of self-sufficiency. We celebrate people who “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” and figure things out alone. We almost suggest that needing help—or simply needing connection—is a weakness.
But let’s be real: How many of us can actually thrive in isolation?
(I think the COVID pandemic taught us that isolation wasn’t it!)
For years, I believed that if I just worked harder at being better, I could fix everything on my own. If I felt stressed, I needed to handle it. If I felt lonely, I needed to toughen up. If I struggled, I needed to push through.
But just like that lone horse in the pasture, my body knew the truth.
We are wired for connection. Just like horses, our nervous systems regulate in the presence of others. Our brains are designed to seek safety in community. And when we deny ourselves that connection, we suffer—whether we realize it or not.
How Isolation Affects Us
The effects of isolation aren’t just emotional; they’re physical. Studies have shown that strong social bonds lead to greater life satisfaction, lower stress, and even longer lifespans. In contrast, chronic loneliness is linked to depression, anxiety, and a host of physical health problems. It’s as if our bodies are constantly sounding an alarm: Something is wrong. You’re alone. You need your herd.
And yet, we ignore it.
We tell ourselves that we should be fine. We downplay our need for support. We convince ourselves that if we just get through this one rough patch, we’ll be okay. By chasing the temporary fix, we are missing the actual solution.
Happiness isn’t something we achieve—it’s something we share.
Think about the moments in your life when you’ve felt truly happy. Were you alone? Or were you laughing with friends, sharing a meal with family, or enjoying a simple moment with someone you love?
Horses don’t overthink this. They don’t try to be happy in isolation. They know they can only be content when they’re together.
Healing Happens in Community
When a stressed, anxious horse is introduced to a calm, grounded herd, something amazing happens. Over time, they start to settle. They join the other horses grazing peacefully and realize, If they’re safe, I must be safe too. They are able to share the mental load with the herd. Their breathing slows. Their muscles relax. They stop pacing the fence line.
This isn’t magic. It’s physiology. It’s what their nervous system was designed to do.
And it’s the same for us.
I know from personal experience how it feels to be overwhelmed, with thoughts racing and emotions leading the charge. In those times, it's the support of my ‘herd’ that has saved me.
Not necessarily in dramatic ways, but in simple, quiet ones:
A conversation with a close friend that reminded me of the successes
A message that instantly made me feel loved
A shared laugh that melted away stress I didn’t even realize I was carrying
A moment of being truly seen and understood
Healing doesn’t happen independently. We don’t just “fix ourselves” and then step back into the world fully formed. Healing happens through connection. It happens in the presence of others. It happens when we allow ourselves to be part of the herd.
Finding Your Herd
If you’re anything like me, the idea of “needing people” might make you a little hesitant. Independence is a hard thing to let go of, especially if you have been hurt in the past.
But needing people doesn’t mean you’re incapable or weak. It means you’re human.
So how do we embrace connections?
Recognize that happiness is a shared experience. Just like a horse in a herd, we feel the most at ease when we’re surrounded by the right people.
Seek out positive connections. Spend time with people who bring out the best in you—friends, family, or your barn buds.
Let go of the idea that self-sufficiency is required. Being independent is great, but it doesn’t have to come at the cost of connection.
Be present for others. Happiness grows when it’s shared. Being there for someone else not only helps them—it also enriches your own life.
Learning to Lean on Your Herd
Horses don’t isolate themselves to prove they’re strong. They don’t force themselves to be happy alone. They seek their herd, they find comfort in connection, and they allow themselves to be part of something bigger.
Maybe it’s time we do the same.
So let’s stop believing the myth that we have to do it all alone. Let’s stop expecting ourselves to function in isolation when every part of us is wired for community.
Because happiness and healing aren't about standing alone. They're about knowing how to be together.
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